7 I am an incredibly social person.

I tend to forget this often. I am lazy too, which means I normally pass up the opportunity to go out because I’m too lazy to get dressed and ready, but I always forget that I love going out and that I always have a blast when I do. I am the happiest when I have a busy social calendar.

6 Therapy is not working out the way I expected it to.

Before therapy I lived in a land called “Denial.” I went through the day pretending and convincing myself that I didn’t have any of the issues that plague me. Sure it wasn’t healthy, but it let me keep going through the daylight hours. At bedtime I just couldn’t keep those thoughts and feelings at bay anymore. But that was ok, breaking down every night before I fell asleep seemed like a great trade for my fake happiness during the day.

With therapy though, I have talked about this issues for the first time, and I’ve even encountered new ones. Speaking them out loud has made it impossible for me to ignore them like I once used to. I guess you could call this progress, but all its done is bring me unhappy thought at every waking moment.

I really want to go back to Denial…

5 My favorite thing is reading. To me, there is nothing more exciting, more satisfying, more complete gratifying than reading. To feel the smooth pages beneath my fingertips. To read words that I constantly wish I had written. To weep with the characters, to feel with the charatacters, to fall in love with the characters… it is the ultimnate high for me. Some would say that my love for escaping my world and entering the fictional one is an antisocial activity that does nothing more than detriment my real relationships with real human beings. But I don’t see it that way. To me, the characters are real. It doesn not matter that they are not of bone and flesh but of ink and page, that they were not born out of a uterus but concived in the mind of the writer. They inspire me and they teach me more about myself and the world than any real person has ever had. “Everything I’ve ever learned about myself I’ve learned from books.” I want to be able to do this someday. To inspire in someone at least a fraction, or a taste of the feelings I get when I pick up a book, when I read a book, when I finish a book. To me, there is no nobler, harder and more gratifying career than that of a writer.

4 I don’t have self-esteem issues.

Seriously, I don’t. No matter what others think, my observations that I am unattractive, or a plain jane at best, are no based on teenage angst issues, they are purely rational. Not everyone in this world can be beautiful right? It is impossible. I know I fall into the not-beautiful types.

The funny thing is that I actually like my overweight body, my chubby face, my less-than-perfect skin. It’s others that have a problem with my flaws.

Blinding believing you are beautiful is delusional. If you do, you should be institutionalized.

3 I actually do love to write.

For the past couple of days I’ve spent every free second (including sleepless nights) re-reading one of my favorite book series: Jessica Darling. I’ve been happier been couped up in my bedroom reading like an anti-social dork, more than I’ve been in weeks. And reading such an amazing series has inspired me to write about my neurotic thoughts and somewhat boring life in the same style as the book and I had an epiphany: I actually do love to write.

See, my journalism major had me under the false pretense that I abhor writing. But it turns out that is not writing that I hate, its writing something that I’m not interested in that I hate. Its writing what someone tells me to write that I hate. Its the way they tell me I have to write that I hate. Somehow in the last couple of years I’ve lost sight of why I decided to major in journalism. I remember today: because I want to be a writer. Not a news writer, I book writer. I love reading more than anything in this world so it makes sense that the one career path that will make me happy is writing things for others to read for pleasure. I also remembered that the reason I majored in Journalism is so that I have some kind of stable income till I pen the next “great American novel.” Its just a means to an end.

I’ll have to remember all of this next time I’m bored out of mind in class. But this little discovery had actually given me some peace about my future for the first time. It feels right.

Now, how I am going to accomplish all this is another story…

2 I am going to have to change if I want a guy to see me as more than a “friend”.

This was my breakthrough in therapy today: maybe I am always the friend, never the girlfriend because my actions tell guys how to act around me. I am always taking care of them and being supportive without necessarily letting someone do the same for me. So somehow I have to change how guys see me if I want to find a guy that’s right for me.

1 I am obsessed with figuring out who I am.

Case in point this blog. Don’t really know why but for as long as I can remember I’ve struggled to define myself somehow. I have dozens of “lists” scribbled in notebooks everywhere that show what I liked or what I didn’t like when I wrote them.

I created this blog to put in to action a plan that I have been concocting for a while: everyday for, well for as long as I wish to, I am going to write something about myself. It can be something I discovered, something I like or dislike, or simply something I need or want. The goal is to figure out who I am, and maybe in the process, discover what I should change and realize why I do the things I do.